The Ants Go Marching To Their Deaths – Hoorah!

I HATE ANTS!  HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE them.  They are always in the most horrible and inconvenient places.  And they are always EVERYWHERE.  And they are usually in the kitchen, where I prepare my food, and eat my food, and do not want insects swarming.  Worst of all, the entire colony can move homes in the blink of an eye – larvae and all.

Because of my deep hatred, I have a small life mission to destroy them whenever possible.  Yes, I stomp on ant hills that I see.  I pour water down their holes.  I’m a WMD of ant colonies.  I stop short of the magnifying glass – but I did my fair share of that as a young girl.

At our old house, I battled them across my kitchen counters every April.  EVERY April.  I did the ant traps.  I poured salt all along their routes of travel.  I sprayed Raid.  I even read somewhere that yelling at them would drive them away.  You better believe I yelled, screamed, banged the counters, and stomped my feet.

They even went so far as to eat into the wood between the steel plates of our front door.  So that when I opened it one day (we used the side so this was a rare occasion) a crap load of ant eggs fell out all over my foyer rug.  Awesome!

Today, Buggy and I went out in the backyard to play in the kiddy pool.  Our patio umbrella sits in the middle of the yard for this very reason.  Well, sometimes it lays there – like when I run out in the middle of a thunderstorm and lay it down so it doesn’t break – again.  I put the umbrella up, fill up the pool, clean off my seat.  As I clean off my seat, “Wow, there are a lot of ants walking on the pool, and on my chair.  I wonder if they tried to make a home when it was drying in the middle of the yard.”  A few minutes later, “geez, they keep coming.  Where are they coming from?”  Look up over me at the inside of the umbrella.  The same part that my head has been rubbing against.  “HOLY CRAP!”  They are EVERYWHERE!  Swarming up and down the inside and outside of the umbrella.  Carrying their stupid eggs in a frenzy.  I can only imagine them all screaming in their little ant voices, “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  THE ANT KILLER HAS FOUND US!”  I run through the yard screaming and shaking my hands through my hair.  Ick!  I grab the hose and begin spraying the umbrella down.  Oh wait, move Buggy out of the way so they don’t all fall on him.  I sprayed mercilessly.  Inside, outside, pole, stand, ground, EVERYTHING!  Die you six-legged freaks – DIE!

I layed that umbrella down on the ground (in the middle of a thunderstorm with lightning striking not too distant objects) not even 12 hours before we played in the pool.  Like I said – fast.  All I have to say to them… if you even THINK of trying to inhabit another object or structure that I own, the water hose will be the least of your worries!  That’s not a threat, that’s a promise!

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